It Puts the Lotion On the... Bobcat

Submitted by Lana

He called me up and asked me out, out of the blue. We'd rarely really talked much. We went to the same church, but hadn't had a chance to say more than a couple words to each other. He'd gotten my phone number from a mutual connection, and I agreed to go on a date. He was nice, polite, and proper and seemed like he would be a decent date. 

After picking me up, he suggested we go to his house first for hot chocolate (it was cold out). When we got there, conversation was decent, and he brought up that he loved hunting and went every day after work. It was no surprise to me he liked hunting, he was dressed like a cowboy, and looked like a young Jason London. I grew up around cow-people, so I didn't mind, too much. He was cute, but I wasn't really a cowgirl myself. He explained that he hunts bobcats, and has gotten a few.

Then, he asked me if I wanted to see the bobcats. Again, growing up around people who hunt, I expected a couple mounted bobcats on a perch or something, but he led me to his bedroom, and I instantly felt my gag reflex trigger. Hanging around his entire bedroom were no less than 20 bobcat pelts. And, they smelled FRESH. Not cleaned and prepared for use as a rug or whatever, but FRESHLY SKINNED HANGING ALL OVER HIS BEDROOM like a meat packing plant. 

All I could think about was "it puts the lotion on the skin", and I flipped around disgusted, and horrified, and went down the stairs to the living room. I tried not to be a jerk about it, but I was seriously bothered by all the fresh animal carcasses I'd just seen hanging all over his bedroom. What woman in her right mind would even think about anything remotely sexual happening in those conditions? For all I know, he makes you wear one and pretends to hunt you for sport. *Shudder*

He suggested we go to the comedy club for the rest of our date, and I was so excited to get out of there, I practically sprinted out the door. At the club, I was much more at ease because I was around a large group of people should I become the hunted. At some point, someone from the improv group asked for ideas from the crowd, and the topic became "first dates". The comedian walked over to us, and pointed the mic at my date and asked, "How about you guys, are you on a first date?"

My date smiled and said, "YES!" and the comedian pointed the mic at me. Without any hesitation at all, I blurted out, "But probably the last!" Half joking, because of my personality, but also mostly serious because... murderous date. The crowd roared with laughter, and the comedian was pleasantly shocked and continued to poke fun of my date, who did NOT find any of it amusing. 

He wouldn't even look at me the rest of the night, and as soon as the comedy show was over, he said he had to get up WAY early for a work meeting he forgot and dropped me off safely at home before 10pm. He never called again, and I was thankful. The last thing I ever wanted was to see that animal carcass bedroom again for as long as I lived. 

***Also, as a special note, I ended up hearing from someone else in our church that he cleaned them in his garage, and I should be grateful he didn't show me the bloodbath on the floor.