I Want to Make a Salad Out of Your Hair

Submitted by Jess

So, I had been on a couple of dates with this guy about six months prior to the date in question. They were kind of weird dates, but nothing super concerning. On the night of our date he asked me to pick him up because there was something wrong with his car (I later found out it was impounded due to unpaid parking tickets). We start driving but he won’t tell me where we are going because it is a “surprise”. He is literally telling me turn by turn how to get to where we are going. After about TWENTY MILES of driving he directs me into the parking lot of a Walmart grocery store.

“Is Walmart the surprise?” I ask, understandably underwhelmed. “Oh no. Don’t worry”, he assures me, “we are just here to pick up supplies”. At which point he leads me to the bread section and picks up a loaf of white bread. When I ask, “are we having a picnic?” he responds, “no, it’s for the birds”.

I feel like now is a good time to tell you that it was pitch black outside and November, which even in warm places is still quite cold. I had concerns about it being cold and also about the fact that we were apparently going to be feeding nocturnal birds. But being the good, polite woman who had yet to learn how to put my safety above a man’s feelings I let it go. We got to the register where he proceeded to inform me that he forgot his wallet and would I please pay for the bread.

We get back in the car and he directs me to a park. Not to put too fine a point on it, but we passed probably ten parks on our way to this park. When I pointed this out he explained that this was his “favorite park”. I get out of the car and notice for the first time that he placed a pile of stuff in my backseat. He begins unloading stuff into my arms. Mostly blankets. (Why do we have blankets?!?!?)

He then asks if I want to go for a walk around the duck pond. A romantic walk around the pond holding all of his earthly possessions? I’m exaggerating. But seriously, it was a weird amount of stuff for nocturnal bird feeding.

After walking for a while he states, “this looks like a good spot” and lays down the blankets. Then he pulls a laptop out of his backpack and gestures for me to sit on the ground next to him. I sit down and he opens his laptop. It opens to a picture of a woman. He tells me that woman is his ex-wife. I know, from church gossip, that he has been divorced for over a year. He then tells me all about her, their divorce, and his pornography addiction. He then nonchalantly starts playing a movie on his laptop and scoots closer to me.

Once the movie starts to play he starts trying to feel me up. I keep moving his hands away from my boobs and butt and scooting away from him. At one point he leans in and whispers in my ear that he loves my hair. He tells me that it “smells so good and feels so silky and I just want…I want to make a salad out of it”. A SALAD!!! At this point, I’m a) worried that me pushing him away is not actually stopping him from touching me b) concerned that I’m going to wake up one morning with no hair. Just when I’m wondering what excuse would get me out of there a guy from church calls to remind him that the two of them have plans that evening.

He is very apologetic about double booking himself. I’m VERY understanding about the importance of guy bonding time. We drive home in near silence. Me, studiously surveying the road ahead of me. Him, creepily playing with the ends of my hair. I stop my car in front of his house. I don’t put the car in park. I patiently wait for him to get his stuff out of my car. I fervently thank the mutual friend who ended the date early. I wave goodbye as I drive away.

When I get home I have a text from him “I forgot the bread in your car. Wanna bring it over to me later? We can snuggle.” The bread that I bought. The bread that I bought for the birds we didn’t feed. The birds we didn’t feed because it was nighttime. I don’t think I need to say this, but I did not bring the bread to him. To date, him telling me that he wants to make a salad out of my hair is the creepiest thing anyone has ever said to me.